Below, we have an example of actual fries from Five Guys Burgers and Fries. Do they look good to you? They look good to me too. However, they are actually pretty terrible. I'd like to share some thoughts about the fries at Five Guys, and use lots and lots of profanity to do it because the idea of a burger and fries is so basic, so elemental, that it is amazing to me that a place could do one so very right, and another so very wrong.
Five Guys makes some down right fantastic fast food burgers, burgers so good they stomp of the nuts of the best burgers either The King or The Clown have to offer. However, unlike other fast food chains, Five Guys also puts "fries" in their name, which to me means the fries better be pretty fucking good.
Spoiler alert - they are not.
To start, I'm cutting Five Guys some slack for serving copious amounts of fries daily. One only has to watch the traffic though their burger shops to see how quickly product is turned over. They don't have the time or the real estate to make a perfect fry - first soaking the fries, then drying them, then frying them in oil partway, then removing them from the oil for a rest only to fry them again just before serving. Its to much to ask of a fast food joint. I'm not being an unreasonable prick here, I'm simply pointing out that I can't bring myself to remotely enjoy these fries.
In my experience, and by "my experience" I mean "every time I have tried them", these fries are an oily, soggy mess. Why? My guess is that sloppy frying technique is to blame; poor heat management and cooking the potatoes past the stage that the natural moisture within the potato can protect itself from the onslaught of oil. In the later case, the moisture is boiled off and the oil pushes its way in.
In either case, the result is a bag of shitty fries.
I wonder what is wrong with me, because I order them at every visit. I stand there like a goon and watch them shovel piles of fresh cut fries into a paper sack before calling my number. I actually think I'm getting a deal when I watch the fry-man take a second fist-full of fries and toss them on top of my order. Bonus! Right?
No. Extra of a bad thing does not suddenly make for something good. It's just more bad.
Why do I let this happen? I've been racking my mind for weeks now why I continue to pair Five Guys shitacular fries with such a beautiful burger. The answer is because burgers and fries go together, especially when you are trolling the depths of fast food burgers.
Sure, for a restaurant burger the sides are pretty endless. However, on a work day when I have to be back in the office in short order, the only real side for a burger are fries. Hot and steamy fries that are crisp on the outside and snap just so when you bite into them. Fries that are covered in salt and are taken down several at a time, burning your fingertips as you shove them in between bites of that burger.
I'm reminded of this great skit Tenacious D did when they were on Mr. Show With Bob and David. In this clip, I'd like to think that Jack Black plays the part of both a Five Guys burger and me, the person eating an order of fries from Five Guys. Kyle Glass plays the part of the fries, which is sad, because if Kyle Glass was a french fry, he would be fucking awesome.
You see Five Guys, your fries can't quit any more than Kyle could. Its time step up, rock the fucking house and kick some burger and fry ass.
