I've been dogged by well meaning folks on several fronts of late. The topic is hamburgers, right? Wrong. I've recently been debating a reportedly tasty and cheap slice of pizza here in St. Louis. From both the forums at STLBites and on Twitter its been suggested, dare I say demanded, that I head out and try what has been called the "best pizza for $1.88" by St. Louis Magazine.
The slice? Oh, it comes from the food court at the Sam's Club in Maplewood. I'd like to think I fought the good fight on this issue, pointing out that there had to be some mistake, some error that would stop me from having to spend my hard earned money on a slice of pizza from Sam's Club. Alas, the supporters of this slice persisted and I capitulated.
Upon hearing that I would try the slice, one poster on STLBites even suggested that he would refund me twice what I paid should I eat a slice there and ended up feeling like this poor kid when I was through:
So, having agreed to the Sam's Club pizza challenge, I located a friend with a membership to Sam's we gave this slice a go.
But first, running like the prime meridian though the varied arguments for this slice is the recommendation that I try it "hot" and "right from the oven". Really? Because for me, a greasy slice where the cheese takes on a sheen usually reserved for bakelite handles on vintage silverware is usually a delicious alternative to a pulled from the oven slice. Isn't that like suggesting I try some ice cream, but to make sure its really cold before eating it?
I digress, on to the slice.
Like any good slice of pizza, the criteria for judging are simple, the bones (known to ham and eggers everywhere as the crust), the sauce, the cheese, how the slice stands up to folding and lastly, the size of the triangle formed by the tip of the slice after folding.
Let's take a look:
Fresh from the oven we have several slices of cheese pizza from Sam's Club.
I asked the nice lady behind the counter several times to forego the few remaining slices, kept warm under a heat lamp, and pull these slices from a pie fresh from the oven to make sure I was meeting the requirements of this test.
The slices were a decent size, topped with shredded mozzarella and a sweet red sauce that ranged from a dark to shockingly bright red depending on where in the slice it was applied. In several places the cheese was melted to the point of being burned, with the mozzarella closest to the heat turning a dark brown. It was almost like the cheese had undergone some unique dairy based sublimation, transforming from bagged cheese to burnt cheese matchsticks, skipping the gooey stage entirely. Unappetizing.
Next we have the "up-skirt" shot. Its apparent that the dough was docked before being placed onto a metal sheet and sent though a conveyor belt style oven. The dough did take on a nice color from the cooking, but lacked the bit of sweetness that I enjoy in a good crust. The addition of some honey into the dough while mixing would be an improvement.
The crust was thin, damp and lacked evidence of a decent rise during the bake. The bone was thin, pale and provided little in the way of a handle to drive this slice into a waiting mouth.
Last up we have one of the most important tests of a great slice, its ability to be folded upon itself before being eaten.
A good slice will always have a foundation consisting of a thin and crisp bottom crust. When bent, the crust may crack a bit but should always hold its composure. Ideally, a slice of pizza should fold like a paper airplane. More specifically a pizza/paper airplane version of the Concorde, with the tip bending down a bit and providing not only the target for your first bite, but the first opportunity to burn the roof of your mouth with hot tomato sauce and cheese. After all we are eating them hot from the oven here people.
Having spelled out what a well folded slice should look like, I'd like to let the picture above demonstrate the exact opposite of what a slice of pizza should look like when folded.
Methinks we are done here.
To wrap up:
With much deference to my fellow pizza aficionados here in St Louis, this is a terrible slice of pizza, and pretty much what I thought it would be. To associate it in any way with a slice of New York style pizza, as it has in the STLBites forum is a straight up mugging of a classic pizza style. To the kind folks at St. Louis Magazine, I agree with you to a point. I agree this is indeed a $1.88 slice of pizza. It is also proof positive that you get what you pay for.
I want my two dollars. Feel free to toss it in my Hot Dog U donation cup.
