Andrew Mark Veety

Sandra Lee Lacks Intellectual Curiosity, Obviously Loves Food

Anthony Bourdain once said, "She makes her audience feel good about themselves. You watch her on that show and you think, “I can do that. That’s not intimidating.” All you have to do is waddle into the kitchen, open a can of crap and spread it on some other crap that you bought at the supermarket. And then you’ve done something really special."

Here is the thing Anthony, as much as I agree with your thoughts on Sandra Lee, I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that there is a societal benefit to her show, beyond the obvious entertainment value. That benefit is the act of sitting down with your family for a meal -- frankly any meal. Families run better when they take the time to break bread together. So in a sense, we need to thank Sandra Lee for getting more parents to sit down with their kids for dinner.

There. I said it. Now back to the horror that is Sandy in the kitchen.

In this first clip, Sandra has a brain-buster of an idea - to make ice cream "loaded" baked potatoes. Isn't it great, making ice cream fun? Wait. Ice cream is fun. Wait. You know what is not fun? Loaded baked potatoes.

While its apparent that Sandra is half-assing her way though this segment from the get-go, it becomes really apparent when she starts sifting coco around the three minute mark. An awkward edit separates the spraying of coco entrails all over the place and the styled finished product. Oh television, you cheeky bastard.

Next up, we'll make sadness out of some crunched up tortillia chips, a box of strawberry and grape Nerds and a bottle of Karo syrup. Stay tuned!



This second clip finds Sandra back in the kitchen, her outfit coordinated to the chotchkies displayed in the background and ready to make Greek garlic french fries. You may not know this, but Sandra Lee has been nominated for an Emmy, multiple times. The category? Best dramatic reading of a bag of frozen fries.

Around the one minute mark Sandy reccomends placing your oil soaked fries an inch under a broiler for five to eight minutes, sadly she fails to suggest keeping a fire extinguisher handy. Fear not, Sandra does not find herself engulfed in flames in this clip, because even though she's just opening a bag of fries, covering them in oil and placing them in the oven, she's not really cooking. That magic happens off set in the Food Network Kitchens. And really, its probably for the best, as one can only assume she's hammered from the PB&J martinis she also makes in this episode of Semi-homemade.

Chef Boyardee - Wrecking Pizza For Over 50 Years

Since the 1920's, Chef Boyardee has graced the labels of canned and boxed Italian food convenience products. Named after its founder, Italian-American immigrant Ettore Boiardi, the Chef is an integral yet unfortunate element of childhood in America.

While canned ravioli comes to mind for most when the name Chef Boyardee is mentioned -- I think the "pizza kit" is a better example of the wholesale bastardization of Italian food.

I'd Buy That For A Dollar

Over the years A List actors like Brad Pitt, Leonardo DiCaprio, Gwyneth Paltrow and Jodie Foster have banked some serious coin by schilling for companies and products outside of the United States -- specifically in Asia. The work is easy, the paycheck large and the damage to a domestic image minimal.

But what about the B, C and Z List actors who don't have regular twenty million dollar paydays to count on -- do they get a slice of this decadent pie as well?

You bet your ass they do.

Case in point -- RoboCop -- who seems to have added "getting paid" to his list of Prime Directives.

Shhhh...There Is A Monster At The End of This Post....

One would think that life would be pretty easy for a puppet once they achieve Muppet status -- the limos, dressing rooms and the best felt and fur replacement parts that money can buy. However it seems that most Muppets do double duty to earn some extra scratch. Doozers do construction, Miss Piggy has shilled for Pizza Hut and lovable furry old Grover has spent years toiling in the kitchens and dining rooms of Sesame Street.

In this clip from 1989, Grover patiently tries to explain the difference between fast and slow food to a frustrated Mr. Johnson.

Having A July 4th BBQ? Here's A Tip, Don't Invite Joey Chestnut.

On July 4th, 2010, Joseph Christian "Jaws" Chestnut won his fourth straight Nathan's Hotdog Eating Contest, by slamming down 54 hot dogs in what he himself describes as "a disappointing performance".

I have to admit that 54 dogs is a far cry from 2009's performance when he took down a record 68 dogs. Aside how I personally feel about the sport of competitive eating I can't help but admire Joey's body of work over the years. Check it out:

Chestnut defeated Sonya Thomas in the Waffle House World Waffle Eating Championship and placed second to her in a Krystal Square Off World Hamburger Eating Championship qualifier, downing 56 Krystal Burgers in eight minutes to her 57. He later beat her by eating 91 hamburgers in the finals, finishing second to the 97 hamburgers consumed by Takeru Kobayashi.

Chestnut qualified for the 2006 Nathan's Contest by eating 50 hot dogs with buns. As July 4 approached, there was speculation that 2006 might be the year when Kobayashi would be beaten.It was not to be, however. Although Chestnut turned in a great performance, leading Kobayashi through most of the contest, the final tally put Chestnut at 52 and Kobayashi at 53-3/4 (a new world record).

In 2007, Chestnut won the Wing Bowl XV, another installment of the annual Philadelphia event at the Wachovia Center. In this competition, he ate 182 chicken wings in 30 minutes, becoming a Wing Bowl champion and record holder.

Chestnut drank a gallon of milk in 41 seconds, but did not verify that he completed "The Milk Challenge" by keeping it down for the requisite one hour.

On July 4, 2007, Chestnut and Kobayashi battled the field in a record-setting hot dog eating battle in Coney Island, Brooklyn, New York, at Nathan's Contest. Chestnut knocked off Kobayashi 66-63, leading to the latter's first defeat in the contest in six years.

On October 28, 2007 between 2:33 and 2:41, Chestnut ate 103 Krystal burgers in the Krystal Square Off World Hamburger Eating Championship in Chattanooga, Tennessee. This was Chestnut's personal best, and is the new world record.

Starting off 2008 very well, Chestnut has already set two new world records. He devoured 241 wings in 30 minutes at the Wing Bowl XVI in Philadelphia on February 1, and he ate 78 matzo balls during Kenny & Ziggy's World Matzoh Ball Eating Championship in Houston, Texas on March 2.

On July 4, 2008, Chestnut tied Takeru Kobayashi in the annual Nathan's Hot Dog Contest after eating 59 HDB in 10 minutes. The tie resulted in a 5-hotdog eat-off, which Chestnut won by consuming all 5 hot dogs before Kobayashi. The 59 is a new record in the competition based on the reduction from 12 minutes to 10 minutes. Chestnut, 24, weighed in at 102 kilograms (225 pounds).

On July 28, 2008, Chestnut lost to Takeru Kobayashi in Chicken Satay eating in the MLE Asia inaugural event. He consumed just over 4 kilos to Kobayashi's almost 5.5.

On August 23, 2008, Chestnut defeated #2 IFOCE ranked competitive eater Pat "Deep Dish" Bertoletti in the 2nd Gyoza Eating Championship in Little Tokyo, Los Angeles, California. He devoured 231 gyoza, setting a new world record; he beat his previous record of 212, set in the inaugural event in 2006 when he narrowly defeated Sonya "Black Widow" Thomas (210). Thomas did not attend the 2008 event due to budgetary and travel costs.

On October 12, 2008, he consumed 45 slices of pizza, winning the "Famous Famiglia World Pizza Eating Championship", which was held in New York's Times Square. This would be a brief record until Bertoletti would consume 47 slices a few weeks later.

On February 21, 2009, he consumed 10 and a half pounds of macaroni and cheese in seven minutes during halftime at the San Jose Stealth lacrosse game, beating out his contestants and adding another world record to his name.

On July 4, 2009, Chestnut topped his previous record of 59 hot dogs and buns by consuming 68 hot dogs in the 2009 Nathan's Hotdog Eating Contest.

On Man v. Food, San Jose, California, Chestnut ate Iguana's Burritozilla: a 5 pound, 17 inch burrito in 3 minutes, 10 seconds.

Joey beat the Free 72 ounce steak challenge at the Big Texan Steak Ranch by eating the steak, a salad, potato, and three shrimp in under an hour. He set a speed record with 8:52 minutes.

The One Where The Church of Burger Veered Off Into Food Porn

Each month Jonathan Pollack drags his camera out with the Church of Burger and takes tons of awesome pictures that never seem to make it into actual posts. So I figured to celebrate completing six months of the Church and Jonathan's photos I would careen off the road into the dark realm of food porn. 

With any luck this will totally suck -- awesomely.

Amuse Bouche for March 9th, 2010

I'm pretty sure this burger joint is in my old neighborhood in Queens.

The State - MTV Shows

Send Me To Hot Dog University!

There was a bit of talk on Twitter recently about the Vienna Beef iPhone app, which I downloaded and had a chance to check out. While the functionality of the actual application appears to be dubious at best, it does have a link section. And that link section includes a reference to the Hot Dog University in Chicago.

Jackpot.

Known as "The Harvard of Encased Meats", Hot Dog U has a weekend long course entitled "The Art of the Cart" which was designed for people who are considering purchasing a hot dog cart. Now, regular readers of this site know I'm a sucker for a good hot dog. Is the leap from hot dog aficionado to hot dog vendor that hard to imagine for me?

Ok. Maybe the hod dog vending life is not for me, with my life as it exists today. However, I think the experience would be priceless and help to improve my writing on the topic of hot dogs. Who would doubt a hot dog review from a guy with an actual degree in hot dogs?

I was all kinds of fired up when the video above was highlighted on CBS's Sunday Morning several years ago. Alas, I could not get my wife to agree that attending a $700.00 class at the University was an efficient use of our resources. Unable to get a convincing argument past her, I moved on but never really forgot about my idea to attend Hot Dog University.

Well, all this talk of Vienna beef has me thinking it might make sense to give it another try, the good old college try. However, this time with some help. I will gladly cover the cost of travel and lodging, but I'd like to make a heart felt appeal to my readers for help with the class. Will you help? Please click the image below to donate.

Naturally Risen - Or As I Like To Call It - Pizza Porn

NATURALLY RISEN from michael evans on Vimeo.

Matt vs. Food

I was lucky to have my brother Matt and my future brother in law Chris in town for a visit recently. 

We pretty much ate and drank from the moment they got off the plane from North Carolina until they left three days later, starting off with some outstanding sushi at Tani Sushi Bistro in Clayton. For the midwest, Tani somehow manages to get fish that is of a better quality than I can normally find around town. 

Standouts at Tani include the sashimi, the dragon ball, a collection of inventive rolls (sadly many include cream cheese which continues to confuse me) and a real treat - the hot rock - served in a thick bowl and accompanied with thinly sliced raw beef in a soy, garlic, ginger and yuzu. The beef cooks directly on the stone in seconds and is a perfect foil to the sushi.

I took the guys to the City Diner for breakfast the next day and to discuss what we would end up doing during their visit. After a half hour of fruitless discussion, my brother suggested that a eating tour of St. Louis might be in order. 

I was into the idea of a tour of my favorite places here in town, however I had no desire to actually complete such a task myself. I let him know that if he felt up to it, he would be eating alone for the most part and that when in doubt, I would be ordering for him.

Lucky for everyone my brother is hungry, brave and willing to entertain his big brother - and what follows is a minute to minute and bite to bite recap of Matt vs. Food - St. Louis Edition.

09:43:46 AM - City Diner - St. Louis Missouri

The plot is hatched and the day is full of possibilities. I kick Matt's day off with a slinger - two eggs with sausage and hash browns, topped with chili and cheese. Friends recommended that the City Diner slinger should be topped with mustard as well. From the way Matt devoured the dish - I can only assume it was a good addition.

The mere mortals amongst us enjoyed BLT's and The Southsider - eggs, biscuits and gravy with hash browns.

Fortified on sturdy carbs from breakfast we headed out to get Matt the St. Louis eating adventure that he demanded, nay deserved, for flying in to spend the weekend with me.

11:37:56 AM - Woofie's - St. Louis Missouri

I last visited Woofie's in November and I reviewed and contrasted Chicago style and New York style dogs. I suggested the Chili Pie for Matt - a Vienna dog served on a bed of chili, Fritos, onions, pickles and cheese. 

Matt knife and sporking it at Woofies, enjoying each bite a bit to much.

01:22:51 PM - Carl's Drive-In - St. Louis Missouri

I wrote up a long time favorite of mine, Carl's Drive-In, last fall. I can't think of an out of town visitor that I have not tried to bring to Carl's because the burgers are executed so well. Pressed flat on a griddle, the burgers become completely caramelized and for some diners take on a sweet flavor that plays along with the toppings. Matt enjoyed a double cheeseburger with all the fixings and a mug of home made root beer the size of his head.

A few hours and stops in, Matt was motoring along and devouring everything I could put in front of him.

01:48:12 PM - Kolache Factory - St. Louis Missouri

A kolache is a small dough treat filled with any number of meat, vegetable or fruit fillings. The Kolache Factory is a small chain with a shop in St. Louis and serve several dozen varieties of this eastern European treat. 

Matt opted for a Philly Cheesesteak while Chris took a chance with the bbq pork. In hindsight, this seems to be the first time I captured gastronomic distress in my brother.

02:14:53 PM - Ted Drewes Frozen Custard - St. Louis Missouri

Ted Drewes has been serving frozen custard in St. Louis since the 1920's and its likely that no other local location has received as much attention by the national media than it has - the place is known far and wide for its frozen treats. Because of this, "that custard place" is always on the lips of visitors as someplace they would like to stop while they are in town. 

It could be that the massive quantity of cream, eggs and sugar are leading to the serious nature of this picture, however it could be that a concrete from Ted Drewes is nothing to joke about and he's just getting down to spooning that sweet treat into his already filled food hole. 

02:39:47 PM - CC's Depot Dog - Home Depot - St. Louis Missouri

A hot dog from Home Depot? You bet your ass. CC's Depot Dogs can be found nestled by the exit doors of the Kingshighway Home Depot, and they serve up some tasty hot dogs for a price you can't beat for quick lunch - a loaded Chicago style or custom dog will run you about two bucks after tossing a quarter into the tip jar.

Matt "enjoying" a CC's dog in the parking lot, not to mention his third or fourth soft drink of the day. All that sugar - rookie eating tour mistake for sure.

03:12:14 PM - Gus' Pretzels - St. Louis Missouri

Gus' rests in the shadow of the Budweiser brewery and has been making pretzels since the 1920's. With dinner reservations at Modesto for later that evening, I figured that this doughy and salty treat would be perfect for soaking up all the grease and chili Matt had taken down.

Matt Veety - eating machine - he will break you.

10:59:46 AM - Chris' Pancake & Dining - St. Louis Missouri

The next morning we began again, this time at Chris' Pancake & Dining for some much needed breakfast. To my amazement Matt dove right back into the challenge after a nights sleep and healthy constitutional, this time opting for steak and eggs with hash browns. The only issue with his order resulted from his relative unfamiliarity with the menu. When you are offered a side of toast or pancakes at a pancake house, you always, always say pancake. After a quick discussion he indeed have the pancakes.

I joined Matt for the carb load by taking down a stack of pancakes with bacon, eggs, hash browns and a bloody mary. However, to be fair, I didn't eat much the day before and I had just finished running up all 42 floors of the Metropolitan Building for the American Lung Association.

04:41:01 PM - Tin Can Tavern and Grille - St. Louis Missouri

As part of my plans for the weekend, I pulled together a bar crawl around Tower Grove Park with stops at The Royale, Three Monkey's, The Tin Can Tavern and Grille, The Amsterdam Tavern, Tower Pub, Stella Blues, Friendly's and The Blackthorne Pub. 

Matt waited all day to try out the mini corn dogs at The Tin Can and compared their doughy goodness to the classic appetizer called pigs in a blanket - an observation I can't bring myself to argue with.

Keeping up the impressive consumption, Matt didn't hesitate to enjoy a cold PBR with his mini corn dogs, while I enjoyed the opportunity to share my neighborhood and friends with my family.

07:59:49 PM - Stella Blues - St. Louis Missouri

While others faded, Matt saddled up the bar at Stella Blues and took down a basket of onion rings.

Moving into his 48th hour of eating, Matt kept taking his best shot at menu's all over St. Louis. It was an epic showing that left me proud yet concerned about his body's ability to process all that grilled, fried and steamed food. 

10:17:35 PM - The Blackthorne Pub - St. Louis Missouri

Regular readers might remember my post on the Blackthorne Pub, where they serve up Chicago and pan style pizzas in the land of the inedible thin crust pizza topped with provel - St. Louis. The Blackthorne turned out to be the end of Matt's eating tour as well as the bar crawl, which is probably a good thing for all of us.

A group of us destroyed several pizzas in a matter of minutes before retiring for the evening. While we all had a great time, I find myself wishing great piles of vegetables on my brother to help him recover from this eating challenge - because as I was creating this post - I noticed his meals were totally devoid of them. 

Good times - great meals.

Let's never do this again.