Andrew Mark Veety

Sandra Lee Lacks Intellectual Curiosity, Obviously Loves Food

Anthony Bourdain once said, "She makes her audience feel good about themselves. You watch her on that show and you think, “I can do that. That’s not intimidating.” All you have to do is waddle into the kitchen, open a can of crap and spread it on some other crap that you bought at the supermarket. And then you’ve done something really special."

Here is the thing Anthony, as much as I agree with your thoughts on Sandra Lee, I'd be remiss if I didn't point out that there is a societal benefit to her show, beyond the obvious entertainment value. That benefit is the act of sitting down with your family for a meal -- frankly any meal. Families run better when they take the time to break bread together. So in a sense, we need to thank Sandra Lee for getting more parents to sit down with their kids for dinner.

There. I said it. Now back to the horror that is Sandy in the kitchen.

In this first clip, Sandra has a brain-buster of an idea - to make ice cream "loaded" baked potatoes. Isn't it great, making ice cream fun? Wait. Ice cream is fun. Wait. You know what is not fun? Loaded baked potatoes.

While its apparent that Sandra is half-assing her way though this segment from the get-go, it becomes really apparent when she starts sifting coco around the three minute mark. An awkward edit separates the spraying of coco entrails all over the place and the styled finished product. Oh television, you cheeky bastard.

Next up, we'll make sadness out of some crunched up tortillia chips, a box of strawberry and grape Nerds and a bottle of Karo syrup. Stay tuned!



This second clip finds Sandra back in the kitchen, her outfit coordinated to the chotchkies displayed in the background and ready to make Greek garlic french fries. You may not know this, but Sandra Lee has been nominated for an Emmy, multiple times. The category? Best dramatic reading of a bag of frozen fries.

Around the one minute mark Sandy reccomends placing your oil soaked fries an inch under a broiler for five to eight minutes, sadly she fails to suggest keeping a fire extinguisher handy. Fear not, Sandra does not find herself engulfed in flames in this clip, because even though she's just opening a bag of fries, covering them in oil and placing them in the oven, she's not really cooking. That magic happens off set in the Food Network Kitchens. And really, its probably for the best, as one can only assume she's hammered from the PB&J martinis she also makes in this episode of Semi-homemade.

Foods Of Your Youth - Microwaved Fast Food

I spent my formative years working in the dairy and frozen section of our local grocery store. In hindsight one of the oddest foods that I would unload off of freezer trucks and stock into freezer cases were a set of products sold under the MicroMagic and MicroMarvels label -- small red boxes containing hamburgers, cheeseburgers, fries and milkshakes.

The world -- or at least the Internet -- has largely forgotten about these one minute meals. However this commercial from the late 1980's lives on.

Mmmmmm tangy processed cheese food and microwaved tomatoes. And to think, you can't get this stuff in the store anymore.

So tell me, were microwaved burgers and fries the food of your youth?

Guest Post - Iron Stef Checks In From Kooper's Tavern

I'm always excited when my friends get a chance to check out great eats from the road and agree to share with folks here. Today Church of Burger alumni Iron Stef checks in from Baltimore, Maryland with this review of Kooper's Tavern:

I drove from St. Louis to Baltimore this weekend for my cousin's wedding. 800+ miles in my little car with my mother. Needless to say, after the drive and the chaos of meeting up with other arriving family, I was ready for some quality alone time that involved cold beer. 

I was missing this month's Church of Burger because of this trip, so I threw it out on Twitter that perhaps a solo Baltimore burger dinner was in order. Our fearless leader strongly suggested Kooper's Tavern. I was pleased to see it was right next door to, and had the same owners as Slainte Pub. I had stopped into Slainte on a whim when I was in Baltimore in March, and was pleased by the atmosphere, service and food (see my post about that trip on Food Blog Mafia. Awesome lamb burger.) Kooper's and Slainte are located in Fell's Pointe, a brick-street, waterfront shopping and dining district. Cute.

I was glad it was a casual pub, as I had not yet been able to check in to my hotel, so I was still wearing my "driving pants," and had car nap hair. When I walked in the place was going CRAZY. 2 dudes had just been "Iced" by their friends, and the pub crawl group they were with were loudly encouraging them to chug the sugary malt beverages. I squeezed into a spot at the bar between some middle-aged stock brokers and a young couple. After I ordered I realized it was free taco buffet day. Dang! But, I was on a mission. Luckily for this weary traveler, the pub crawlers moved on, and the pub became a more chill hangout for me to enjoy with my burger and a brew (good beer selection there, too, BTW. Not a ton on draught, but lots of different craft bottles.)

I ordered the "Elvis Got the Blues" burger, which has blue cheese and bacon on it. It came out with battered fries (who doesn't like those?), a giant pickle spear and the standard tomato and lettuce toppings. The patty, covered with a sprinkling of blue cheese crumbles and to big slices of bacon, was cooked perfectly medium-rare, as I had requested. It had some good char on the outside. The flavor was good, though I could have used more salt. Bites that had bacon and blue cheese in them made up for the salt, however. Overall it tasted like good beefy meat, was juicy but not greasy, and the corn-meal-dusted kaiser roll held up well and was a good fit. I really liked the flavor combo of the beef, blue cheese and bacon. Classic. Is this the best burger in B-more? I can't say, but it was pretty darn good.

May Burger Of The Month - Michael's Bar & Grill

For the fifth time this year I gathered up a group of friends and food bloggers to take down a burger, this time on the first real steamy Sunday of the year. This was the next stop in a year long search for the best burger that St. Louis has to offer, based on the input of my readers. You nominated them and I'm eating them, one by one until I crown the best burger in St. Louis this coming December.

Joining me were Church of Burger alumni Bill Burge (STLBites), Stefani Pollack (Cupcake Project), project photographer Jonathan Pollack (J. Pollack Photography), Kelli Best-Oliver (South City Confidential / Food Blog Mafia), Stephanie Tolle (Iron Stef / Food Blog Mafia) and first timers Kyle Harsha (Sippin' Saint Louis) and Evan Benn (St. Louis Post Dispatch / Lager Heads).

With the introductions out of the way its time to welcome you all back to The Church of Burger. In the name of the bun, the toppings and the holy burger, I present unto you the May Burger of the Month from Michael's Bar & Grill.

The Setup:

Michael's Bar & Grill resides inside a nondescript brick building in the St. Louis suburb of Maplewood. If it was not for the green awning running along the front of the restaurant, it would be all to easy to pass Michael's by -- it's largely indistinguishable from the other store fronts running along Manchester Avenue.

Passing through a small patio area and into the front door, Michael's opens up into a bar and several dining areas. An open kitchen runs along the wall, providing views of the grill and a tall spit turning a healthy slab of gyro meat. Once you move past the bar section, which doubles as the smoking section, a heady scent of grill takes over -- a mixture of smoke, char and spice that speaks to the Greek lineage of Michael's. It is in many ways a classic diner, albeit it is dressed up a bit.

Our group assembled in the bar area before moving to the first of several table arrangements for our party of eight, eventually ending up towards the back of the restaurant where tall piles of used plates waited for washing in large plastic bins. The amount of cleanup hiding just out of sight of most customers was a bit surprising to me as we had arrived and were seated a few minutes after the advertised opening time.

Our inauspicious dining location aside, we quickly dug into the menu to assess our burger options. Around the table almost everyone ordered up the house specialty -- The Michael Burger -- topped with scoops of soft cheddar, thick cuts of feta and grilled mushrooms. Burgers were ordered rare to medium rare. As usual I ordered the Michael Burger as is came, medium rare and paired with lettuce, a while slice of onion and several pickle strips.

In true diner fashion glasses were refilled long before they were fully drained. It seemed that there was a never ending stream of pitchers moving around the room, which was nice at first but quickly became an annoyance. The smell of burgers arrived a few seconds before the actual plates, as if to announce to all that these massive 10 oz monsters (after cooking) had arrived.

Behold the Michael's Burger from Michael's Bar & Grill:

   

The Patty:

The Michael Burger is advertised as 10 ounces of hand formed chopped sirloin, which upon inspection is more than accurate. Its a really big burger. What is not advertised is that 3 ounces of the Michael Burger are most likely fat, which makes for an incredibly juicy / greasy burger. The patty was seasoned well enough, but I could have used more salt to match all the fat in the burger. The patty was cooked a perfect medium rare. Its honestly one of the better looking beef patties that we've seen so far this year.

Tasters commented:

"At 10oz, this is one of the biggest burgers in St. Louis. It's right at the line where going any bigger edges into a comedic territory where going bigger means Eating Contest. And really, who the fuck needs even a 10oz burger?"

"Unfortunately, my medium rare request was fulfilled medium well. Again. Will no one serve me a mid-rare burger in this town?"

"This is my favorite "meat" burger so far.  It's not the kind of burger I would normally want to eat, because it's insanely fatty, but it's the kind of thing I'll definitely be indulging in again."

"I appreciated the option of a 5 oz. Junior Deluxe burger. The Junior burger is nice when you only want to take a small nap after lunch rather than being in a meat coma for the remainder of the day."

"This is the first burger I've had on the quest that was temped exactly as I ordered it and, looking around the table, it appeared that everyone's burger was accurately cooked."

"The patty seemed to be hand-formed. As I grasped that 10oz burger in my hand, the juices dripped down and covered the plate below...the temperature is spot-on: rare, as ordered."

"It's the kind of food you wish you could get till 2:00AM because it would go down smooth with a heavy dose of intoxication.  It reminded me of the type of burger you'd get at any number of college hangouts only at Michael's, it was cooked right."

"I like just a bit more "snap" when biting into the patty - it seemed a bit mushy. Seasoning was fine, maybe could have used a touch more salt &pepper. I think I'm still sweating the grease."

"I ordered my burger medium and there was no pink at all."

"This is a burger to eat at 3 am, after consuming vast amounts of beer and Jack."

"The 10-oz monster was too beefy for its bun, leaving about a 2-inch protrusion poking out of the bread. The menu claims the meat is chopped sirloin, but I couldn't really tell a difference in consistency or flavor from ground beef. That said, it was definitely a flavorful, satisfying burger -- cooked an as-ordered medium-rare with the juices running wild and attractive grill marks on the exterior."

"The patty - was heeeYUGE and shiny. Mine was cooked perfectly, medium-rare. So juicy. I noticed several of the church-goers using forks towards the end of theirs. I never resorted to that, but it sure was a messy meal, which I like. I napped hard for nearly 3 hours after eating it...and I hadn't even eaten the whole thing!"

"The only flavor present in this patty is beef; I don't detect salt, pepper, garlic, or the Greek seasoning that my mind somehow misappropriated to Michael's burger."

"A huge fatty burger is like a special occasion wine. The once-a-year bottle as apposed to the Tuesday bottle." The Michael's burger is the finest special occasion burger I've had outside of the Kuma Burger at Kuma's Corner in Chicago."

"The burger had no flavor. It not only wasn't seasoned, as far as I could tell, but the meat itself didn't seem to have flavor. The predominant flavor was grease. Grease to me is different than juice. Burger juice is full of flavor and comes out when you take a bite. Grease hovers on the outside of the burger like lube and leaves me feeling like I should do penance by eating nothing but vegetables for the next three days."

 

Caramelization:

Without a doubt the fat contained within this burger leads to the impressive char on the patty. I would have liked to see one cooked as it must throw off an amazing show of flames when the fat drips out of the patty and meets the fire of the grill. The clean and well defined hashmark pattern on the patty suggests an experienced grill person is at the helm and they understand how to cook such a fatty piece of meat without scorching it.

Diners observed:

"Good char on this burger"

"I am not a huge fan of the heavily grilled burger, typically, but this one had a ton of grill flavor that went well with all that fat.  It reminded me of a huge Steak 'n Shake burger, cooked to temp, which makes sense in that they said it was "ground sirloin" on the menu."

"My burger didn't have much caramelization that I could tell... it was well cooked and tasted good, It just didn't have any crunchy or charred edges. Not surprising for such a thick, fatty burger."

"A tablemate said he would have liked to see more charring on the outside of the burger, and another one replied that he thought his was perfectly charred. Personal preference, but I can make sense of both arguments. On one hand, the burger did have visible grill marks that imparted a smoky, open-flame flavor to the meat; but on the other, the big, juicy patty was fall-apart messy -- an issue that may have been avoided if seared on a flattop griddle instead of a grill. I didn't mind eating a few pieces of meat with a knife and fork once they fell off the mainland patty, so I guess the caramelization from the grill was adequate for me."

The Toppings:

As ordered the Michael Burger comes with lettuce, tomato, a hearty whole slice of raw onion and several strips of crinkle cut pickles. The kick of onion and pickle, present in almost every bite is a great complement to the massive beef patty. The lettuce was crisp, hand torn from the head and largely unremarkable. The tomato -- well its May here in St. Louis and while in season tomatoes are starting to show up in the farmers markets, they are nowhere to be found in most restaurants and on most burgers.So very depressing. I would gladly trade what kingdom I have for a decent slice of tomato on my burger. 

Diners offered up the following thoughts on their burger toppings:

"I got Feta cheese on mine, as a nod to the restaurant's Greek-ness. The tangy fresh cheese complimented the rich meaty burger well. My tomato wasn't as mealy and pink as my neighbors, but it was still a yucky out-of-season flop. Claussen pickles sliced length-wise were a nice, salty touch. "

"Topped with that scoop of cheese a picture of the Michael's burger, with it's piece of lettuce so small it might as well be garnish, is the very definition of 'this is why you're fat'."

"A scoop of soft cheddar. And by "scoop," I mean a wallop (not dollop) of the orange-colored, tangy, spreadable cheese. I'm a cheddar guy in most any form, so I enjoyed this, although probably not as much as I would have with a regular slice of cheddar or -- like my table neighbor -- a square of feta. Obligatory-but-shouldn't be tomato (out of season), lettuce (limp), onion (raw) and pickle sandwich strips (score!) came on the plate."

"I wish I wouldn't have ordered the soft cheddar- there was just too damn much of it, so that was almost all you could taste."

"I like the option of feta cheese at Michael's.  The salt from my cheese added some semblance of taste to the lump of cow."

"I think getting that scoop of cheddar was cheating.  It was yet more fat and it oozed everywhere as you ate it.  For me that was the biggest reason the burger worked and I think that's because of the two things that make food taste good: salt and fat.  It needed more pepper, but the salt and fat were there--especially with that heap of cheese -- and it made for a success."

The Bun:

In many ways it seems like the Michael Burger bun is designed for obsolesce. The kaiser roll is a classic and welcome addition to backyard burger cookouts, but for a burger this large and fatty, it is ill equipped to last from the first bite to the last. The bun is quickly overwhelmed by juice, turning from soft bread to an amorphous mess. Halfway though the burger it became unclear where the bottom bun ended and the patty began. With a quarter of the burger left I abandoned the bun as any sort of handle or transport vessel and opted to knife and fork the remaining burger.

Tasters commented:

"The bottom bun was so soggy that I could barely lift it.  The bun was unable to support the weight of the burger."

"The top of the bun held up okay. Nothing special... fit the burger. The bottom bun...it didn't as much fall apart as it was just completely absorbed by the extremely fatty, juicy patty. Almost as if it had never existed!"

"The bun was fine- would have been nice if toasted.  The burger didn't fit onto it, but the top one was big enough to soak up most of the grease."

"The bun was a disaster. It was damn near a Wendy bun and it didn't remotely hold up to the burger that I'd guess was, at minimum, 30% fat. It disintegrated halfway through and I took to the fork and knife for the last quarter."

"The bun is the same one we've all seen on Wendy's sandwiches -- a kaiser roll with a dusting of something (fine-grind cornmeal?) on top. Kaiser is my favorite carb vessel for homemade, backyard-BBQ burgers because its doughiness gets even more flavorful as the bun absorbs all of the meat juices. The Michael Burger was a runaway juice train, with even more liquid than the bun's underbelly could handle (the soft cheddar provided a protective layer for the top of the bun). I still think it held up better than any bun could have, I'm proud to love kaiser bread, so this was a highlight of the burger for me."

"As I continue to take bite after bite, I notice that I also can't feel the bottom half of my bun. It obviously could not hold up to the patty and surrendered to its juices, becoming a sloppy mess in the process. By the time I was done, I was finishing this burger with a fork and knife, and I needed a stack of napkins to aid in the cleanup effort."

The Verdict:

Readers not only voted the Michael Burger the eighth best burger in St. Louis, it is also one of the burgers that I'm asked about most often by folks who did not participate in the voting. It is clearly a crowd favorite and for good reason -- its a greasy mess of a burger -- and who does not like that?

As I sum up my experience with the Michael Burger, I'm keep coming back to a comment from a member of our group who offered, "Uhhhhhhhhhhh…It was juicy, salty, and plenty fatty. So fatty, in fact, I had to put my head down mid-meal, even after fasting all day, and I left two bites untouched. It may have bested me." While I managed to finish my burger, I would tend to agree with this sentiment.

The Michael Burger is a challenge to eat, both during the dining experience and for hours afterward. If this burger were a girl, she sure would be fun to hang out with, but you might think twice before bringing her home to meet Mom -- unless your Mom happens to be a fan of big greasy burgers. In many ways the Michael Burger might be the best "Sometimes Burger" in St. Louis. While I might not be back for some time, I'm looking forward to tackling it again, perhaps after consulting with and being cleared by a cardiologist.

Amuse Bouche for March 9th, 2010

I'm pretty sure this burger joint is in my old neighborhood in Queens.

The State - MTV Shows

Dear Five Guys, What The Fuck Is With Your Fries?

Below, we have an example of actual fries from Five Guys Burgers and Fries. Do they look good to you? They look good to me too. However, they are actually pretty terrible. I'd like to share some thoughts about the fries at Five Guys, and use lots and lots of profanity to do it because the idea of a burger and fries is so basic, so elemental, that it is amazing to me that a place could do one so very right, and another so very wrong.

Five Guys makes some down right fantastic fast food burgers, burgers so good they stomp of the nuts of the best burgers either The King or The Clown have to offer. However, unlike other fast food chains, Five Guys also puts "fries" in their name, which to me means the fries better be pretty fucking good.

Spoiler alert - they are not.

To start, I'm cutting Five Guys some slack for serving copious amounts of fries daily. One only has to watch the traffic though their burger shops to see how quickly product is turned over. They don't have the time or the real estate to make a perfect fry - first soaking the fries, then drying them, then frying them in oil partway, then removing them from the oil for a rest only to fry them again just before serving. Its to much to ask of a fast food joint. I'm not being an unreasonable prick here, I'm simply pointing out that I can't bring myself to remotely enjoy these fries. 

In my experience, and by "my experience" I mean "every time I have tried them", these fries are an oily, soggy mess. Why? My guess is that sloppy frying technique is to blame; poor heat management and cooking the potatoes past the stage that the natural moisture within the potato can protect itself from the onslaught of oil. In the later case, the moisture is boiled off and the oil pushes its way in.

In either case, the result is a bag of shitty fries.

I wonder what is wrong with me, because I order them at every visit. I stand there like a goon and watch them shovel piles of fresh cut fries into a paper sack before calling my number. I actually think I'm getting a deal when I watch the fry-man take a second fist-full of fries and toss them on top of my order. Bonus! Right? 

No. Extra of a bad thing does not suddenly make for something good. It's just more bad.

Why do I let this happen? I've been racking my mind for weeks now why I continue to pair Five Guys shitacular fries with such a beautiful burger. The answer is because burgers and fries go together, especially when you are trolling the depths of fast food burgers. 

Sure, for a restaurant burger the sides are pretty endless. However, on a work day when I have to be back in the office in short order, the only real side for a burger are fries. Hot and steamy fries that are crisp on the outside and snap just so when you bite into them. Fries that are covered in salt and are taken down several at a time, burning your fingertips as you shove them in between bites of that burger.

I'm reminded of this great skit Tenacious D did when they were on Mr. Show With Bob and David. In this clip, I'd like to think that Jack Black plays the part of both a Five Guys burger and me, the person eating an order of fries from Five Guys. Kyle Glass plays the part of the fries, which is sad, because if Kyle Glass was a french fry, he would be fucking awesome.

You see Five Guys, your fries can't quit any more than Kyle could. Its time step up, rock the fucking house and kick some burger and fry ass.