Andrew Mark Veety

What Is The Perfect Size Burger?

Its been nine months since I began my search to find the best burger in St. Louis. I've made some great new friends and found more than a few new burger joints that I can't wait to try again. I've eaten a lot of hamburgers -- probably two or three times my normal monthly intake. 

For a while I was really into tackling double and triple burgers like the one pictured above from the Penguin Drive In. Hand formed patties stacked one on top of another, a straight up gastronomical challenge. Cut them in half, squish them down or attack them sideways, these burgers are a blast to eat. However, if my waistline and wife have anything to say about it - these burgers can't be eaten all the time. 

I have always had a soft spot in my heart for the smashed burger -- I probably always will -- but not because they are the best a burger can be. Truth be told I love the smashed burger because of what it was and where it comes from -- roadside mom and pop joints that slowly disappeared once the interstate highway system carved the countryside into long ribbons of asphalt punctuated by exits offering the same burgers and pumps of gas every ten miles.

There is no getting around it, after eating all these burgers I know what I like and what I don't. The basics for a good burger are simple. It needs to be at least 20% fat. It needs to be seasoned, salt the friend of a good burger. Lastly, it also needs to be charred over a flame or cast iron. 

So we have my basic requirements -- but whats the perfect size for a burgers patty? A quarter pound? A half? Bigger? Smaller?

Drop me a note in the comments section and let me know what size patty you think makes for the perfect burger.

Confessions Of A Dumbass - The Daddy Warbucks

Several times a year I meet up with friends, most of them Dad's, for "investment club". Investment club is an auspicious event in all regards, but if we were being honest we should really just call the night "hamburger club" and be done with it.

Yes, there is always some talk of IRA's, 401k's and the occasional Israeli small cap technology company, but its more of a chance to to get out of the house, have a burger and catch up with friends that we don't get to see as often as we would like between work and family life.

A wrinkle in our recent meeting was that it was in direct conflict with "book club", where our better halves meet up to eat, drink wine and "discuss" a book that apparently only a few of them have actually read.

Talk about a misnamed club!

In any event, with the Mom's headed out for their night of well deserved fun with friends, the Dad's were forced to rethink our night out and have it at home so we could watch the kids and put them to bed. In a perfect world having an investment club at home would mean firing up the grill for some hand made burgers, because it goes without saying that there are few burgers better than a home burger. However after some discussion it was decided that folks would bring over their burger of choice, with everyone separating into two camps for the ordering - one group opting for Steak n' Shake, anther going with Five Guys. 

One one hand you have the smashed goodness of a Steak n' Shake burger, on the other you have the beauty that is a Five Guys burger (minus the fries, thank you). How could I not slip an order in for one of each and do something fantastically disgusting with them.

In honor of our little investment club, I present the building blocks of "The Daddy Warbucks".

On the left we have a Five Guys bacon burger with mayo, ketchup, mustard, lettuce, pickles, grilled onions, grilled mushrooms, raw jalapeno peppers and green peppers. On the right we have a Steak n' Shake double Steakburger with mayo, ketchup, mustard, lettuce, onion and pickles.

Counting all the buns, patties and toppings, we are looking at 22 "layers of burger", which I merged into The Daddy Warbucks:

The bottom and top layers are the Five Guys burger, the Steak n' Shake burger is sandwiched in the middle. I tried to cut it down the middle for a cross section view, but was afraid that it would not survive the sawing and hacking so I let it be after giving it a good decent stabbing with a chefs knife.

Unable to get the towering height of this burger into my mouth I attacked it from all sides until it was a sloppy and mauled form in my hands. Each bite left burger toppings in my beard, on my face and all over my hands - it was a mess that called for the foregoing of napkins and the deployment of a kitchen towel.

With all the toppings mixing it quickly became difficult to tell where the Five Guys ended and the Steak n' Shake burger began. However, the two played together amazingly well together with the raw jalapeno, pickles and grilled mushrooms standing out not only in most bites, but most belches in the hours after consuming this burger monstrosity.

When The Daddy Warbucks had disintegrated to the point of no longer being a hand held sandwich, a knife and fork were called out to finish the job.

Let's add this to the "never do again" file. Someone get me a salad.